$#!t I say on Facebook…

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I received several comments from friends of mine that they really enjoyed what I post on my Facebook page. So that you don’t all have to go through the trouble of adding me as a friend I have decided to share those posts with you here. Enjoy. (WARNING: This page contains foul language and is intended only for parents who qualify.  You must do one or all of the following to qualify:

Drink, Curse, Smoke, and or KNOW HOW TO TAKE A JOKE!!!  If not, your kid is  probably late to choir practice….and you need to keep moving.)

Someone tried to convince me today that I needed to hurry up and find the love of my life because soon I’ll be 50. I was like, “Whoa! What’s gonna happen when I turn 50? Is my lady purse going to snap shut never to open again?” He was like, “No, it’s just that you’re going to have wasted most of your life living without that “special” one.” Then I said, “You must really like Disney movies.” Then he unfriended me. Now I wish I could go “like” him unfriending me and comment: I’m a Brothers Grimm kinda girl and I AM that “special” one for me.

Someone just said something very racist to me. But it was really funny. And I laughed. Now I feel guilty.‪#‎sorrynotsorry‬

Have you ever given you children specific instructions for a task only to come back later and discover that your family would be one of the first to die in a zombie apocalypse?

That moment when you hear your kid say, “Mom!!!” and you turn and deliberately walk in the other direction.

Let me tell you something. If you come at me in a Facebook argument. I will win. I am a gansta on Facebook. Now in real life, Imma scream like bitch, run, and hide. But on Facebook….I will Fuck You Up.

An hour ago, I said I was going to bed. Then I turned on my computer. I hate when I lie to myself like that. That’s trust that can’t be unbroken. I don’t know what to do with me.

My 6 yr old had a small toy that sings this annoying song when you push the button and My 5 yr old was trying to take it from her. So she put down the backside of her pants and I lie to you not, the following conversation took place:

5 yr old: Ewwww you put it in your pants!!!!

4 yr old: Yeah, my butt can sing now.

Spoken like a true smartass.

Some times I start writing a post and then half way through it I’m like, “This is stupid”, delete it all, and post something random like this.

Sophie has been writhing and whining on the floor in front of me for nearly 7 minutes now. I wonder when she’s going to realize that I have waaayyyyyy more experience at this game than she does? As a matter of fact, after five kids, I’m the reigning champ of, “Let’s Obnoxiously Whine Until Mom Gives In”. Nary a child has beaten me yet.

Ok. I’m 38 but I identify with 39….what am I? Can you even have an age identity disorder? Because I identify with 21 too.

June 18 ·

My 3 yr old has this new thing of when I bust her doing something, she immediately rats on her siblings.

1st time
Me: Who told you to take that juice box out of the fridge?
3 yr old: Well, Sissy got some ice cream and ate it while you were sleeping.

2nd time
Me: Is that the yarn out of my closet in my room???
3 yr old: Well, Sissy’s making videos on your phone.

3rd time
Me: Did you steal that grape out of the fridge?
3 yr old: No, I found it.
Bubby: No she didn’t. She was in the fridge.
3 yr old: Well, Bubby has three frogs in house.

Wait…..

Three frogs???

Confession: I turn into a complete internet troll when I have PMS. I can’t help it, it’s cheaper than therapy.

June 27 ·

Come on America. You’ve condemned the Confederate flag and legalized Gay Marriage. All you need to do now is legalize Marijuana and the heads of every asshole hindering us from progress will explode. We’re almost there. Commit damnit!!!

Damnit. I accidentally clicked on a Pintrest link. Two hours later….

Sometimes I think of stuff that makes me stop and double over in laughter…like this: I was watching 12 years A Slave and in this one scene the overseer is singing this song called, “Run Nigger Run” and I thought, who the fuck wrote this song??? No really. Are you trying to tell that people have been singing this song for the last 200 years SO much that somebody remembered it today? Who? I’ll wait. Because it sure as hell wasn’t in the credits. I checked

I’ve been pinning recipes on Pintrest all day and what do I go and cook for dinner? A frozen lasagna. Don’t judge me. I’m on vacation

July 14 ·

That moment when you’re so tired you actually debate getting up to investigate whether your three year old just yelled, “fire” or “spider”.

July 17 ·

I thought the kids were cranky and needed to go to bed. Nope, it’s me. I’m cranky. I need to go bed.

My 3 yr old asked for a pop sickle this morning. I said, “No, how would you like some waffles instead?” My 7 yr old hollers from the other room, “Yaaaayyyyyyy!!!” My 3 yr old  says, “Not Yayyyy…Booooo!!!”

Why is it that when the police pull up behind me I don’t feel the least bit protected and or served?

Get a college degree they said. It’ll improve your job opportunities they said. Every email I get: “You don’t have enough experience.” they said. I’m two seconds from hosting a BBW Sex cam website and I’m not kidding.

All I want is a really good job, so that I can start taking pictures of me and my kids doing really expensive shit. Is that so much to ask????

Belly full of tacos, cheese, and black beans. Another night that I’m thankful I sleep alone.

I turned off my computer because I need to take my arse to sleep. Then I turn on the television and see a website I really want to check out. The. Struggle.

August 5 at 11:51am ·

You aren’t really “helping” someone if you’re benefiting at the same time. That’s called bartering. Helping someone is doing something for them when you know they can’t pay you back and you know you’ll never get anything out of it. Learn the difference friends and stop complaining about “helping” people because you end up on the short end of the stick. You’re not helping anyone. You’re making bad business deals. ‪#‎TheMoreYouKNow‬

I officially can’t watch the cooking networks anymore. I’ve learned all they have to offer and I now feel as if I can cook just as well if not better than any of them. I guess I’ll watch the ID Channel now and learn how to get away with murder. ‪#‎NeverStopLearning‬

7 yr old: Go away!!!

3 yr old: Never!!!!!!!

My face hurts from laughing. Maybe it was the way she said it. Like the declaration of pirate.

Nothing says it’s still summer like the dreaded cry, “THE ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!!!!!!!” Always when I have no cash on me and I have scramble to find loose change. And finding enough loose change for 4 kids to each get something is no easy task. But I did. Because they call me Mom.

I’m going to need them to make a movie where the characters say everything that pops into my head but I am not allowed to say. Comedy Gold. I promise.

My 3 yr old is slowly learning that it’s not a good idea to ask me questions first thing in the morning.

3 yr old: Mom, what do dragons eat?
Me: Meat.
3 yr old: What kind of meat?
Me: Oh…fish…birds…people….
3 yr old: *Slience*

You don’t know fear until your 3 year old says to you, “Mom, I hid the car keys in a place where they’ll never be found again.”

With one puking kid at home and new financial woes, I’m trying to find the positive in today… I found two matching earrings and a half a roll of toilet paper. ‪#‎Winning‬

I just said to myself, “Heyyyyyy….let’s go to be early.” And then I laaauuuugggghhhhheeed. Oh how I laughed.

OMG. I’m watching this ridiculous show that I may have watched before but I can’t remember. Anyway. The show is, “I STILL Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”. This woman got pregnant on the IUD…. IN OTHER NEWS, I will be ordering a Hysterectomy tomorrow.

When I get really shitty customer service, and then they ask me to sign my name…..I take foreeeeevvvvverrrr to sign it. And I sign my WHOLE name too. Drawing little daisies for the I’s and shit. In the mean time my kids are just destroying the displays around me. Fuck you too bitch!!!

1 min

When I win the lottery, I’m going to go to the bank once a month and have them stack a bunch of money in front of me on a big table in a private room. And then I’m going to play with my money. Stupid games like, ‘Guess the Serial Number’ and ‘How Many $20 Bills Can I Stuff in My Bra?’ For an hour. And then I’ll go home.

5 yr old: I don’t want to go to sleep Momma, do you have a game I can play on your phone???Me: No, but I’ve got some darkness you can play with in this room.
Nothing scarier than walking out to your car at night after watching an episode of The Walking Dead. I jumped at every noise I heard coming out of the woods.
Does anyone else live for the weekend, only so they can cook for rowdy kids, clean house, and do laundry??? I swear, if I hit the lottery I will NOT complain.
Classic Convo between me and my girls this morning.Me: Hand me my phone please?
5 yr old: Why, are you gonna call Grandma?
Me: No.
5 yr old: Well who are you gonna call???
Me: Ghostbusters.
6 yr old: Ghostbusters??? You really have their number???
5 yr old: (Singing) If there’s something wrong, In the neighborhood, Who ya gonna call?
I gave my kids their Valentines Day candy 20 minutes ago and already my two year old is streaking butt naked through the house.
Whoever said it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on, has never been pissed on in the middle of the night. Now I’m pissed on and pissed off.
Watching the weather channel and they are using the dramatic music to intro the storm updates. Cassy says, “That music has to stop mommy, it’s scaring me!!!” The Weather Channel: Scaring us all since it first aired.
Read a sign this morning that said, “Zombies this way!!!” Upon my double take I discovered that it actually read, “Zumba this way!!!” That’s either extremely ironic or I’m extremely exhausted.
When I grow up, I want to be a genius like my 16 year old. She knows EVERYTHING!!!!
I’m making my kids watch cartoons in Spanish. Univision rocks. Now my 16 year old and I are arguing over who speaks better Spanish. My argument? You don’t speak proper English, so it shouldn’t bother you that I don’t speak proper Spanish.
If getting your kids to move out is as hard as is it to get them to sleep in their own beds…..I’m in trouble.
I have discovered that if you have kids, you can no longer watch what you want to on television. If your kids are not interested in what you are watching, you can take it to the bank that they are going to fuck up your whole house while you’re watching t.v. They’re gonna go through your kitchen cabinets, stop up the toilet, write on the walls, tear up the blinds, strategically place Lego’s around that house so that you step on them in the dark. And you guys wonder why I know EVERY song on EVERY children’s program on television
That organ player on Dora the Explorer is the shiznit. He/She really gets funky with it at the end of “We Did it”. I think I’m tired.
Everybody is waiting for the Superbowl all like, Go Broncos!!! or Go Seahawks!!! I’m just waiting for the Walking Dead to return. Go Daryl!!!! Go Rick!!!
It’s amazing how quickly kids will accomplish tasks when you are withholding their video games.
You know the funeral is long when little old ladies start to complain during the Eulogy. At one point, 45 mins before he actually finished, the pastor says, “I’m going to wrap this up soon, just be patient.” And my 75 year old great aunt behind me said, “Do you promise? Because you said you was almost finished 20 mins ago.” I now know what side of the family I get my sarcasm from.
More proof these kids are trying to kill me. I finally get them all asleep and before turning in, I placed my keys and phone on a crate next to my bed So I have my back turned, scrolling through my FB before going to sleep. About ten mins in, I hear my keys slide off the crate and hit the floor. Reluctantly I turn to see how this has happened, because I didn’t hear anyone creep up behind me, and there is my 5 year old standing there staring at the floor like one of the little girls from Paranormal Activity; swaying and shit. Sure she was sleep walking, but I nearly had a heart attack!!! Now I have to go and check to see if I need to change my pajama pants.
The kids have this educational app that makes a farting sound when they get a question wrong. My kids are giving the wrong answer on purpose now and I can’t stop laughing.

January 7

 Barbie!!! What have the done to you????

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Teaching little boys to aim….yeah, it’s Rocket Science. And don’t talk to me about Cheerios. He’ll just eat them.
You know it’s been a long day when you are the only one in the room, you’re watching Bubble Guppies, and you are answering their questions out loud.
My youngest child is throwing the biggest tantrum right now because I’m showing her pictures of her when she was a baby, and she doesn’t think it’s her.
Mommy is in a cereal mood this morning kids. You push too hard and she’s going to Snap, Crack, and Pop your ass.
I have decided to start a new charity. I will be collecting food for all of the Victoria Secret models. Them bitches need to EAT!!!!
I am not commenting on anyone’s Christmas decorations this year. Because if I can’t tell people they have an ugly ass tree, I’m just not going to say anything at all.
Sophia just locked herself in the bathroom….I’m half tempted to leave her there.

September 5, 2013
Just left Jason’s Deli when I went back to refill my lemonade I was surprises to see how many lemons were used to make it. WTF was I drinking?????

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I need a taco…and a beer. Mostly a beer, and a taco to wash it down.

October 19

I bought a pack of crack at the grocery store the other day…aka Oreos. Somehow they ended up next to me on the couch as I was writing this paper. So I let them fall behind the couch so they wouldn’t be tempting. Well, I almost herniated another disc in my back just now moving this damn couch. I didn’t want rats to smell them from outside and come in after them…since rats are so addicted to Oreos and all.
 

October 19

If you think women wearing pigtails is hot….you need to just admit it, you might be a pedophile. Yep, you probably got a little Chester the Child Molester in ya.

Sometimes I seriously consider changing my Profile name to Sam Witwicky in hopes that the Autobots will come and rescue me from my kids. I think they might be Decepticons.

October 13 
My 2yr old just stuffed 5 matchbox cars down her diaper so that nobody else would play with them. I’m telling you that child is a genius!

Soooooo. I’ve been thinking about this debt ceiling issue the country is having, and as per damn usual, I’ve come up with a solution. Legalize marijuana and tax the shit out of it dumb asses!!!!! Who wants to contribute to my campaign fund? I’m running for office. #KandiceForPresident2016

I have officially met my quota for pissing Christians off this week. And it’s only Wednesday.

I wanted to hug a curve doing 75 this morning after dropping the kids off…it was exhilarating. Now I’m going to take a nap. Nothing else to report.

I just caught my son with his shirt stuck on his head, screaming and walking into walls. (He didn’t unbutton it first) I said, “Stop acting like your father son. You can’t skip important steps and then stand back looking surprised when shit doesn’t work out like you planned.”

I have this habit of telling people I love them. It makes some people uncomfortable, but I’ve known too many people that have been taken from this life too soon. I will not miss the opportunity to tell my good friends that I love them. The words ‘I love you’ should not have stipulations and rules. They should be words as common as ‘Hello’ and ‘Goodbye’ among friends. To all my friends and family: I love you. (And I’m sober. Tired, but sober)

August 21

My 4 yr old: Mom, I slipped and fell in the kitchen and spilled my drink. It’s on my clothes and the floor.

Me: Did you spill a little bit or a lot?
My 4 yr old: A bunch a whole little bit.
Me: Well, is it a little bit or a whole bunch
My 4 yr old: It’s a whole little bit bunchI just ended the conversation there because I had to walk away so that she wouldn’t see me laughing.

August 21

Trying to convince my mother she has shingles. She’s trying to convince me it’s the same insect feeding on her in the same place every night for the last week. I am now convinced common sense is a super power. Someone pass me my cape.

Why do we work so hard to dress our kids so nice for the first day of school. But can’t remember what the fuck they wore on the last day of school??? People shelling out money for hair dressers and name brands, but freak when the kids come home two months later announcing, “Today was picture day!” Here’s an idea to make it worth the effort. Make the first day of school picture day too. That’s it…..I’m running for President. *Drops the mic.

August 18

I did all the proper mommy things tonight. Dinner, diapers, baths, hair, bed time story. Times 4 mind you….Then I read my Facebook. But there’s still more to do. Laundry, clean up, read Facebook, feed the dog (again), Write two papers, read Facebook, send off fax, receive a mini family intervention from my family on Facebook usage via telephone call, read and post on Facebook, update blog, shower (if there’s any hot water), let the dog out one more time. Check Facebook. Sleep a little. Get up at 7 am, check Facebook, cook breakfast and then off dragging 4 kids through a jam packed schedule for the day, in which I will check my Facebook periodically on my smart phone as we go. Hmmm, I wonder if there’s anything I can remove from this schedule? Perhaps the Facebook mini intervention, but definitely not the Facebook. Don’t act like it’s just me.

I used to think that my dog would protect me from anything. But after that bastard ran from a cricket this morning, I’m not so sure anymore.

August 18

Now my 21 year old brother just ran from the same cricket that punked my 87 pound dog the other day. I guess it’s time for me to get that CWP I’ve been talking about getting because neither one of these fools can protect me from shit.

How come teenage girls can only express their anger by slamming doors? When my next three turn 13, I’m taking all the doors off the frames and replacing them with shower curtains. I’d like to see them slam that.

Another brilliant conversation with my little 4 yr old genius this morning while cooking breakfastMy 4 yr old: Mom, are those onions I smell that I don’t like.Me: Yes, and you need to eat onions, they’re good for youMy 4 yr old: Did I like onions as a baby?Me: Yes, you did. You ate them every time.My 4 yr old: Well, I’m not a baby anymore. I’m 4 now. And I know now that I don’t like onions anymore.Well played little one….well played.

I was just thinking about having a Panic Attack…but I can’t squeeze it in between the laundry and dinner. Maybe at 8:00 pm if  homework is finished.

My sister just called me to tell me that a black rat snake got into her garage. Now I’m convinced I’m next. I need to ask my doctor for Valium. I stress about the most ridiculous shit living in the middle of the woods.

Yes, my name is Kandice. Yes, I live in South Carolina. No I did not win American Idol last night. Ok. Maybe I did, but they spelled my name wrong all season.

I plan to live at least one year with all of my children when they become adults. In this year span I will:
Eat and drink like my stomach is a bottomless pit.
Stain all of their carpets
Write on all of their walls
Break at least one window
Piss on at least two mattresses and one couch
And wreck at least one car (which will make up for all the damaged electronics over 18 years)

Do you know what I hate more than laundry? It being on my list of things to do today.

When I came out of the shower I noticed my curtains in my bedroom were moving. Thank God I realized that the window was open and it was just the wind when I did, because my neighbors were about to see more of me than they ever bargained for. I’ve got to stop watching A Haunting in the mornings.

And the imaginary play continues as I listen on. I think Izzy is playing Game of Thrones, and Cassy is playing The Walking Dead:5 yr old: Don’t worry, we’re Princesses, Mom and Dad will save us.4 yr old: Mom and Dad are dead. We have to get to the next town to get supplies.I’m stuck between disturbed and proud right now

My oldest child (Just turned 16): Mom, you know what? Grandmothers are like Mothers, only with more experience.
Me: Baby, stop, you’re gonna hurt yourself thinking that hard.

April 23
Ah, taking the day off to shop for garden goodies. Taking my Tasmanian Devils with me. Come my little Blaxicans, let’s go fuck up Lowes.
I’m bored. I think I’m going to go to Best Buy, and make the store clerks open up a bunch of crap for my kids to “try out”. Black woman with all these kids, It’s tax time, they won’t have a clue I’m broke.
I think Jesus and the devil are fighting it out of my car stereo. I’m in an area where the stations keep changing in between 2. On 1 station is the Bee Gees boogie man and on the other station is an old gospel song by Shirley Caesar. I’m scared to change the channel I want to see who wins.
When I catch up with my Fairy Godmother, I’m gonna squash that little bitch.
OMG I watched a whole season of Breaking Bad on Netflix instead of the InNegroNation, I’m sorry, Inauguration today. The NAACP called. They want their membership invite back. A whole month of this shit. Buckle Up Bitches!!!!!
Why do I feel like some old knowledgeable black character on a Disney movie lately?
I’m hiding in my room listening to my husband have a Kevin Hart moment with the kids. All I hear is, “Hey…HEY….Stop that….Don’t, Don’t you….Hey…Come here….No….Wha..Wha….HEY!” Funny chit!!!!
My mission, should I choose to accept it: To sit down and watch Ghost Protocol. A 2 and half hour movie that will take me 5 hours to watch as I will have to pause it numerous times to change diapers, refill sippy cups, pass out snacks, break up fights, and halt impending disaster. Ten mins into the movie, and I have enough time to stop and post this….Mission Accepted.
I hate it when kids ask you a question and can’t answer them at the moment…so they start to repeat the question OVER and OVER and the tone of their voice raises a half octave with each question until you finally snap and yell the answer because they are starting to sound like a mating lynx. I’m gonna miss this right?
I slaved over a hot stove and prepared authentic lamb curry with vegetables over jasmine rice for my kids, and they snubbed their noses at it. Next time I’ll feed them bread and water….see how they like them apples.
Due to the threat of Dec 21, 2012, I will not be purchasing Christmas gifts this year. And I will be blaming it on the economy.

She’s got that, “OMG bitch you’re neglecting me” cry….I guess her nap is over early and she wants out of her crib. See mom’s, deciphering your baby’s cry gets easier with practice. If I let her cry just five mins more, her cry will translate into a slew of obscenities that even I would be ashamed to repeat.
The sounds of cold season are in the air in my house. Now, if I just get them to cough in unison and harmonize, we could take this show on the road.
Will someone please tell my children to LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!! I mean really. Five mins in the bathroom. Is that so much to ask. I don’t care if she kicked you in the face…right now, I hope she does it again!!!!
I’m in the bathroom for five minutes people. Five. My youngest pours yogurt drink on her head, and my two year old takes off his pull up and shits in the dollhouse. This is going to be one of those days…
In my former life, I had servants to do all this cooking and cleaning for me.
Why hasn’t anyone invented self washing laundry….or self washing dishes. Fuck Apple. Waste of genius.

November 23

It’s not officially Black Friday, until someone is face down or in cuffs. Or both.

With all the square feet in this house, why must all of you attempt to occupy the same square foot that I’m in?

IT WORKED!!!! IT WORKED!!!!! I took away a toy because my kids wouldn’t share it. After I took it…they fought and argued, but then they got quiet. Three mins later, they both came to me agreeing that they would share the toy. Winning.
MAYBE……The Mayan Calendar was a count down to the Mexican take over. 19 Days and counting!!! I can say that…I have Blaxicans .

15 minutes ago

My brain and my mouth are at odds with each other again. I keep hearing my brain scream, “No bitch, don’t say that!!!!” And my mouth responds, “Fuck you smart ass, I’m open for business.”

October 9 near Columbia

Hubby slept late this morning, and I have been up with the kids, on the computer no less. He starts bitching that they are tearing up the house while I’m on the computer and I yell back….”Oh yeah. I gave them all breakfast!!! What have you done???” Now he’s feeling all guilty. I wonder if I should tell him that breakfast consisted of a box of donuts…..nah.
I wake up this morning to find that my son has maneuvered furniture around to reach my craft box, grabbed a pair of scissors, and attempted to break his sister out of baby jail, aka, the play pen. To simplify what I’ve just said. He cut gaping holes in all of the netting around the play pen. Wondering if locks on children’s bedroom doors will earn me a spot on
Nancy Grace…
What is wrong with me??? I look over and see a notification of someone’s birthday, and all I can think is, “Fucker didn’t say Happy Birthday to me on MY birthday!!!” I’ve done that four times in the past two weeks.
Now if a group of one legged people organized a shopping trip here, this would be a real deal.
Photo: ಠ__ಠBYSO
A movie was on with a man dressed as a woman and following conversation took place:Hubby: What kind of movie is this???
Me: Oh, it’s just Kinky Boots. A really cute movie too.
(Man dressed as woman starts speaking on the screen)
3 year old: Daddy!!! Her voice is BROKEN!! There’s something wrong with it!!!
Hubby: It’s O.K. baby, I know you’re confused. I am too.I really need to get my family out more.
Getting a break out of the house today!!!!! Away from the kids!!!!! I hope I don’t slip, fall, and break my neck running out this front door!!!
 
How come every time I say NO to my 1 year old, she just looks at me as if to say, “There she goes with that word NO again. I wonder what the fuck she means? And why does she keep saying it over and over again???”
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Yesterday near Columbia

That moment when you know that one of them is hurt, but you are just waiting for them to stop arguing over who is going to tell mom first.

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I was just having a fantasy about Channing Tatum and Mark Wahlberg dancing in front of me in boxer briefs…but they were dancing to the theme to Bubble Guppies. Damn kids…just fucked up a dry daydream!!!

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You know that emotion that people show when they find out they are pregnant (the happy emotion, not the oh shit call the clinic emotion) And they celebrate and make happy announcements among their circle of friends…I have that same emotion every month when I find out that I AM NOT! Pop the bubbly baby!!!!!
Why doesn’t health insurance cover retail therapy? For as much as people pay for it, the least they could throw us is a monthly trip to Wal-Mart.
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My Miss Cleo powers are kicking in tonight. I see an early bedtime for all children within a 1 mile radius of me. No, I’m not going to medicate them. I don’t want to end up on Nancy Grace.
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I love when I Google myself out of going to the E.R. Google: a hypochondriac’s best friend.
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Here’s to those moments when you are speaking so fast and furious that you don’t even know what you’re saying. Without toddlers, I may never have known moments like this.
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  • My son is on the cusp of speech, still everything he’s says is muddled and barely understandable. And when you tell him that you don’t understand him, he throws a huge fit, jumps around screaming and falls on the floor crying. My heart really goes out to him because I understand that he just wants to be understood. BUT THIS HELEN KELLER SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP!!!!!!
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    I don’t have to spank my kids. They whip each others asses all day long.
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    If I am running in circles getting four children ready for a party at McDonalds, and your best effort in the process is finding a missing shoe, when I look at you and say, “Awesome, you rock.” Please know, that is all the praise you are getting from me. I am not planning a ticker tape parade in your honor. #getthefuckoverit.com
    Like ·
    Tomorrow my children will officially be ages 1….2…3…and 4. Now, tell me all about your problems again??? *Drops the mic….*
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    So I just slow motioned tip toed across my house to grab my cell phone and did it again to return, pausing every time the floor creaked. Took me 8 mins. Get back to my computer, bend down to plug in my phone, stand up, turn around….and ALL of my children are standing there staring at me like something out of children of the corn. Seriously?
    Like ·
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5 Responses to $#!t I say on Facebook…

  1. These made me laugh out loud and call my husband over to read them, too. I love the “mouth and brains at odds with each other.”

  2. raisinemreal says:

    My first response on this page…I love you to pieces!!! Thanks for the encouragement, I will be updating this soon as I a lot of $#!t to say on Facebook last month.

  3. bethy says:

    ohmigod. You just made my day!

  4. Kilter Annie says:

    Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one with these thoughts!

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